Tuol Sleng and the killing fields

Over the last few days I have visited both Tuol Sleng, the genocide museum, a high school which was converted into a security centre, S21, and the Killing Fields associated with s21, about 15 km from Toul Sleng.

Sadness does not express the feeling that came over me during these days, for it is not a deep enough word. Sorrow, an ache in my heart and my bones, a bleakness? I shan't describe the details, as they were hard enough to go through once. Suffice to say that the fact that it just looks like an old school, with the play ground and everything there, steps that you can imagine kids running up, and then you hear what happened, it makes it even more sickening. It has been left so intact that there is still blood on the cell floors.

My guide was a lovely Cambodian man who spent time with me after the tour. I asked him what it was like for him as a Cambodian. He said that he was lucky, his parents and grandparents had survived because they lived far away from the city, and were already farmers, so could survive the hard labor better than some. He said every day he has one big question, why did no other country come and help?

Between 20,000 people were tortured at S21 and taken to the Killing Fields and murdered. This was no 21 of such centres and associated killing fields, and millions died in total. At s21 the last 14 were murdered on site as the rescuers approached, and they are buried here.

Seven men survived, and no one ever escaped. The men who survived were allowed to live because of a skill. Of the 7 only 2 are alive today. I had the privilege of meeting Mr Chum Mey, who was a mechanic and kept alive to fix typewriters. All his family, many of his entire generation, were murdered. Anyone who was educated, or wore glasses, was killed.  He is an extraordinary, ordinary man. I keep wondering why he would spend his days now at Tuol Sleng? He has testified at war tribunals, and written a book, in which he says he now considers his torturers victims like him, because who knows what they would have done in the same situation.

The Killing Fields are about 15km away. Victims were taken by truck, and murdered in the night by having their throats cut so no one would hear shots. Walking around listing to the audio was harrowing, and I had to do a few extra laps of the lake listening to the classical music piece on the the audio to be able to continue. There is a tree where the killers would murder babies by hitting them against it. There are no words to describe how sad I felt. Many people have left wrist bracelets as a sign of respect. I had none, but I did have my new shawl so I left that.

There is a beautiful stupa which houses many skulls. I spent a long time in reflection there.

I had gone out early, so was there when it opened at 730, and it was quiet. On the way out the sky was beautiful, like an old religious painting. Today I need to believe that their is a God.